Due to recent events, both in my own and to those in my life, I've decided to put down my own thoughts on this thing called love.
You may disagree and think I am naive but to me this is how things are,
and there is no changing that.
Love is a frightening thing;
it entails laying your heart on a cutting board, handing someone a knife, yet trusting that they won't use it. giving my love to you means giving you the power to hurt me more than anyone can or has ever had the ability to.
It is then expected-no, required-that if you accept this love of mine,
you understand these things.
You must summon the courage to assume the responsibility to the precious gift you now hold.
But somehow it seems incorrect to call my love a gift.
you have earned every loving thought,
every kind word,
every caring gesture.
'Giving' love to you implies that you don't deserve it,
and that couldn't be further from the truth.
Love is the most valuable thing I have in this world and I wouldn't just give it away to just anyone.
It's the most wonderful time of the year and I absolutely love this time of the year, especially this year's Christmas, something about this year seems fantastic. Maybe because I just hit twenty years of age earlier this year and I now have this new perspective on life, but I'm actually super excited for the next 40 to 60 years on this planet and i actually know why.
I know I have said it a thousand times since my birthday, but I can't wait to go on a mission and that still hasn't changed. . . but there is after the mission I'm super excited for.
I'm excited to get married to the most fabulous man who has ever walked into my life and worships the ground I walk on and spend eternity with him.
(I love you, just so you know and you know who you are)
But I'm excited for our family we are going to start and the Christmas's we get to spend with them.
If you follow my blog, you will realize that my dream job is to be a mom. That's it. An awesome mom.
Period. Done. That is all I want to be. The End.
I will be the mom that will deck out the house in Christmas decor, making sure my children will love christmas and that it will feel like Christmas for them every year, even when they are teenagers. And spending Christmas with those future little ones will be fantastic.
To once again see what magic comes from their little imaginations around this time of year.
To see their eyes glow at all the lights,
Waiting by the chimney to catch a glimpse of Santa,
Watching their expressions of ah and wonder,
and spending it with my handsome man.
Man on man. . . Unlike Scrooge, I can't wait for my Christmas future.
It has been rather recent that the talk of weight has entered my life. At a check up I was told I was now considered medically 'Obese" or overweight by just four pounds on the hospitals scale. I was heartbroken and I then started trying to lose weight. Looking at magazines and other awful examples of how a women should look made me sad because I was not the "perfect" body. . . . until one day, I stumbled upon this. . .
"A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist.But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?They would have no sex life and could not bear children.Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad and, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)"
So. . . I might be overweight and have a few problem areas and I will lose some weight for health issues, but I'm not going to starve my self to be something that isn't real anyway.
So here I raise my cup of hot coco, in joy in my body and the fact that it can do so many wonderful things such as move, dance, laugh, hurt, feel love and someday make and protect life.
My dearest friend of mine, before he left on his mission, wore this silly band on his left arm. He wore it for a full year and not once took it off.
He proudly wore it, and if anyone asked what the band said, with pride and with a full long explanation he told them what it meant. He wore it in the shower or when he went swimming and when he went to bed. He wore to work and big family events. He wore it when working in mud or painting a room, every day, all 365 of them (and even more) he wore it. And that is when I thought he was the biggest nerd of all time. In my mind I thought "who would display something like that?"
As time went on, the band started to lose it's lettering. I had offered many times to replace it, but every time he replied "I will not wear the new one. I said I wouldn't take this one off until I received my call" So alas, even with letters missing and viewers of the band more confessed at what it said, he still wore it.
On August 11th, 2010. His call finally came. We stood out side the door, breathing deeply before we found out his new future. He smiled at me and calmly said "I will no longer be needing this anymore" And with a flash the band was off and placed in his pocket. This "Future Missionary" was about to be called "Elder"
Exactly one year later, in the same hot month of August, I turned twenty years old. I had accomplished two decades of life and had quite a bit to show for it. I have been to many places, seen many different faces and continue to learn from others beliefs. However, I wanted something more. This want had been there since I was fourteen years old and through the years the hunger for it has grown. So on my birthday I decided to be like my dear friend and his band, but instead I will wear a badge, proclaiming the want to do something good and to share a true eternal happiness. I decided to work on becoming a future missionary. And I will continue to wear the badge every day on my key chain until I get my call and become a "Sister" and then wear that badge proudly to the front lines of the world.
I've learned. . . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned. . . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned. . . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned. . . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned. . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned. . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned. . . that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned. . . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned. . . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned. . . that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned. . . that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned. . . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned. . . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned. . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned. . . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned. . . that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned. . . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned. . . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned. . . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned. . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned. . . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned. . . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned. . . that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned. . . that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned. . . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned. . . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned. . . that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
These things I have learned in just twenty short years. I can't wait to see what I learn in the next twenty.
Some people may think that happy people are just naturally happy...and that it takes no work at all to see the bright side, offer a smile and laugh things off when it might be easier to take offense your let things ruin your day.
If you are one of those happy people who work so hard to remain cheerful and live in a state of gratitude, especially when times are hard and life is rough....give yourself a little bit of credit and pat yourself on the back...most of all, keep up the great work.
If, lovely girls, you always thought that some people were born happy and others weren’t, and that there’s just nothing you can do about it...take heart! You can work every day towards being a happy, positive, grateful, cheerful and content person....it is some of the most important and best work that you will ever do for yourself and those around you.
Happiness is a gift that we give to ourselves...but it has such far reaching blessings to those around us. Everyone who loves us wants us to be happy...but we must choose happiness and work towards it. One of the best ways to be happy is to forget ourselves and go out and serve in the world.....spreading happiness is an almost fail-proof way to live the happiest life we could ever imagine.
It is worth it...for you, for everyone.
Choose happiness, lovelies, you can do it...you are worth it and it will make an enormous difference everywhere you go, and in everything that you do.
This happened a while ago. . . But I feel it must be shared. :)
As I opened the door, I took a deep breath. I figured I wouldn’t be breathing easily for the next few hours so I should take a big one now; just in case. As we walked to the door, four hours later, I realized I’d been breathing fine all along. As he was leaving, I realized that for the past few hours, I hadn’t thought of my anxiety, my fears, my phobias, my life right now at all.
Him: This was so much fun!
Me: It was!
Him: We should do it again!
Me: Yes!
Him: Are you going away for the long weekend?
Me: Nope. Isn’t it supposed to snow?
Him: Only on like Tuesday. Plus it is June.
Me: Yes, but has anyone ever really predicted the weather accurately, especially in Utah?
Him: Good point. Look, I’m free all weekend. Let’s go out next time.
Me: Gasp. Are you saying you don’t like my house?
Him: I like your house just fine.I just don’t want to impose on your family.
Me: That’s true.
Him: So, we’ll go out next time?
Me: Maybe.
Then I closed the door, took another deep breath and laughed.
Because now he probably thinks I don’t want to see him again.
After a month and a half. . . This short segment has now added to chapters of our story. :)
Have you ever woken up on a Saturday, looked at the clock on your night stand and realized it was 6:30 a.m.? If you are like me, you will then roll over and start using your fingers to figure out how many hours of sleep you had just recieved. I only held up five fingers today. I slammed my hand back onto the blankets and rolled over to face the wall.
I then had this quite conversation with my body.
Me: "Please go back to sleep, I promise we will dream of something good."
Body: "No Way, we have to many things to do today."
Me: "I know, but sleep will help me function better"
Body: "Get up! No sleep. We have got things to do."
Me: "Like what?"
Then it will go through a world wind of today's activities, and what I thought only be a few items, became what seemed like a extreme Costco shopping list. I put my head under the pillow. . . and heard myself. . . or really my body say to itself,
"You really think that is going to help you escape today?"
So here I am . . . avoiding my list of extreme lengths, and eyeing my bed like a piece of chocolate.
I just want some sleep.
Body: "No! now go brush your teeth, it stinks. . . and do something with your hair. . . "
let me first off introduce myself. I am Laurel C. You were a Senior Class Officer when I was a sophomore getting lost in the new hall ways of High School. I saw you many times on announcements and assemblies and thought you were rather handsome but knew I didn't have a chance for you to look twice at me. . . I should have given it a few more years. A little over a year ago, I went into the River Hills Single Ward for the first time and I saw you there. You looked over at me and I looked over at you in sacrament and you quickly directed your eyes somewhere else. A girlish giggle ran through me, but I calmed myself and tried to not thing to much about it. However, over months time I kept catching you looking at me.
Then one day you vanished.
You were gone for a long time and I had forgotten the girly scream inside me. You would come back to the ward at visit but I didn't think twice about it. Until girls in my ward started to watch you and point out to me that " He watched you the whole time while passing the sacrament" or my personal least favorite "HE IS LOOKING AT YOU!" Over the course of the past few weeks, our church has made different changes to the YSA wards in our areas and three wards were combined into one. I went to this new ward, found those that I knew and sat down in the back row. Straight ahead of me by four benches, there you were. When sacrament was done, I stood up and looked directly at you. I wanted to know and put this foolish girly emotions behind me, so I sat and stared at you. . . And there is was, You looked directly at me and I know we had eye contact. I smiled at you and you looked away. In my head, I thought to myself "Thank Heavens, I was just being a super dumb girl" however while walking out of the bench I looked in your direction again and caught you again. . . You good sir, are putting me in a huge dilemma. We have never truly spoken, we introduced ourselves once when you worked at Ross and you said I knew your name because it was on your name tag. Truth is, I don't forget good looking males names! So this is where this letter comes into play, although do to the fact it is on my blog you will never read it. I want to get to know you, I wish you would actually come and talk to me, or stick around for Sunday school for me to actually talk to you. (That is right Mister. I told my self if you were there I would talk to you, but alas you didn't show) I want to stop playing this eye tag with you. Can we do that Mr. Donohoo?
So I am doing this 30 day picture album on my facebook. . . Each day is a question that you add a picture to, like 'A picture of something you love', 'A picture of who has stuck it out the longest with you' and so on and so forth.
Today is day six and the question is ' A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day'. . . .
So I actually thought really hard on this one. . .
So at first I had this one:
It's Agelina Jolie.... one day with Brad Pitt, and juicy lips. Need I explain more?
Then Came my next thought. . .
Interesting question, and I'm going to take a slightly different approach to it, since the wording was pretty open ended. I imagine that spending a day in somebody's shoes would be a great lesson in empathy. With that in mind, I would choose to spend a day as my best friend. While we've been together for about three years, I know that I am anything but perfect. Mind you this is just a theory, but perhaps it would be easier for me to identify and fix my more glaring imperfections with the added perspective of walking a mile in his shoes.
Yesterday, while at a local fast food restaurant with the little boy I nanny a group of woman with there children came in. They sat one table away from me and I could hear their whole conversation. They were talking about General Conference and what was said, of course marriage was one of the big topics, however there were a few sideline topics. A young girl came in holding the hand of a little boy. She told him to go play while she ordered the food. The little boy kissed her on the cheek and said "Thank you Mommy" and they parted ways. The table of woman who were obnoxiously loud to begin with, examined what had just happened.
"She is to young to be a mom" "She looks to be Sixteen" "She must be the high school whore!" . . . and so on and so forth. The young girl came back in, holding a tray of food, she called her little boy back to the table and they began to eat. The table of woman, pretty much just watched her the whole time. . . some of them looking in disgust. You could see the uneasiness in the young girl, for you could tell she knew she was being watched and as soon as the food on the tray was gone she looked at the little boy and said, "It is time to go home." The little boy got really upset and began to plead with her to stay, "But mom! I want to play!" tears began to roll down the little boys face and the young girl bent down to pick up the little boy. As she did this, I noticed two things. . . Tears were rolling down her face and she was wearing a CTR ring on the right hand. Then the things were gathered and this little boy and girl walked out. The mothers at the other table began saying praises that they had left and that the bad influence was gone. If any of you know me, you know how weak my heart is to matters of quick judgements and the underdog and hot blood began gushing through my body, raising my body heat, making me terrible angry and ready to scream. I didn't know this young girls story, but obviously by the way she was treated by these older woman had caused some emotion to stir within her. It made me think of a dear friend in High School, who was smart and ready to take on the world as soon as she graduated such as getting a degree, traveling and even wanting to serve a mission. Yet the summer of her senior year she was raped and got pregnant and went her whole senior year with a growing belly, disgusted looks and rude gossip. Yes, Marriage and courting was talked a lot in this 181st General Conference. . . but that was not the only thing said. . . Look at the other messages, such as Bishop Burton, who all though was talking about 'Helping the poor' was also expressing being kind to everyone. "The work of caring for one another and being 'kind to the poor' is a sanctifying work, commanded of the Father, and divinely designed to bless, refine and exalt His children," ~Bishop Burton A 15 year old girl holds her 1 year old son, people call her a slut. But no one knew she was raped at 13; make fun of someone for being fat, but you don't know that person has a serious medical condition that causes her to be fat. Call the old guy ugly, but you don't know if he got a serious face injury after serving the country or saving a life. Stop stereotyping and think before you start talking trash of others
This is my blog! I can put down anything I want! Feelings, Opinions whatever. . . if you don't like it then go read a close minded blog. . . .
I'm miserable and have been unhappy for weeks. I go by with the convincing fake smile I learned in my years of theater and pretend everything is okay, of course I've had those few rare moment of genuine happiness, but they go away so quickly that it can fulfill a heart. I want to cry really hard, but every time I try, nothing comes. My heart is stuck and I don't know what to do. I haven't felt this awful since June 27th, 2008, and that was a pretty dark day. . . psh, what am I talking about, it was a dark few months. My poor family.
All I really want is for someone to hold me, tell me everything is going to be okay and just let me sob for hours on their shoulder and just listen to me mumble my way through feelings. . .
I know it seems likes foolish petty things. . .
This is the hearts want ad.
But is that to much to ask for. . .
Don't worry. . . I'm just venting sudden quick frustrations and pains. If you have gotten this far know that for me "everything will look better in morning light"
I'm preferably looking for a male between the ages 19-26, who wouldn't mind cuddling and letting me squeal with delight during the awesome Jim and Pam scenes and laughing out loud with me. I am watching all the seasons and am flexible with schedules. . .
Please facebook me or leave a comment below with your resume and why you would be best pick for this position. . .
actually you don't deserve such a nice opening. . .
Hey Idiot.
I know that you are trying to better yourself, but let me let you in on a little secret: You have to be nice to others too.
I've wondered on occasion why someone like you doesn't have many friends, then you treat me the way you just did and it hits me like a ton of bricks! "You're a SELFISH being, who only looks out for himself." I can count on one hand how many times you have offered to help someone. . .but then again, does it count if it has something in it for you? Helping for your own selfish needs?
You think life is horrid. . . what on earth could be so bad?
I know what depression is, I didn't take the drugs though, I figured it out by myself. So don't treat me like I don't know squat. I actually do care about you, if that is such a crime I can not wait to see what your judgement will look like.
You think you're all big and mighty. . . You're just a boy who is going to lose everything.
So go screw yourself. . .
oh wait, You already do.
With much anger at the moment, towards you:
Laurel Eveyln
Mural Olive Mason Cuthbert, a daughter, a sister, a mother of ten, grandmother and great grandmother to many more, to many to count somedays. Who would have known that this woman of 84 would have lived such a long historical life? As a child I remember this funny English woman who had to have everything in proper line . . . or else! She was a fun loving person, but I would have never guess she lived in a time of hard times and no smiles. This is her story.
Mural was born on Thursday, June 16th 1927. She was born in the Collins Maternity Home, Sherwood, Nottingham, England. She was the second daughter to Jenny West and Arthur Close Mason. She like any little health girl, started to grow up, go to school, make friends, buy sweets, get the flu, and fall in love for the first time. When asked about the first boy she had a crush on she said this. “Ken Taylor (a dear friend of mine) came up with a new boy and said, “This is Cuth.” And my heart missed a beat. Derek Cuthbert was Dark haired and handsome, brown eyes and a shy smile. Tall, slim and wearing a navy belted raincoat with a scarf tied cravat fashion tucked inside his coat.” It’s quite amazing she remembered what he wore the first day these two kids met. They were only eleven to twelve years of age, and yet sparks flew. Their friendship grew over months, so did their love for one another. “All the girls wanted to go out with him, but I was the one he chose.” Although these two had become star lovers, troubles in Europe were worsening, although they were school children they were blissfully unaware of what was ahead.
War was declared on September 3rd, 1939, Mural was only twelve at the time, still just a schoolgirl. “ I remember many of my friends were convinced that the world would end the following week. The call-up of young men began immediately and many volunteered at seventeen. There were blackouts and restrictions, but life went on as normally as possible. Air raid shelters were built at the schools and many people had corrugated iron shelters called Anderson Shelters, Sunk into their gardens and covered with earth. My dad wouldn't have one, but Mrs. Bonnello, a widow next door did, and she said we could use it too. Dad reckoned you had as much chance of dying of pneumonia from going to the shelter in panamas as you had of being hit by a bomb, and he’d prefer to die in bed in comfort if he had too.”
Air Raids started and ‘dog fights’ took place in the skies between the English spitfire planes and the German fighter planes. One time, while at school, Mural was in the playground when action started above their heads. Everyone started to scram and run for shelters. To keep clam in shelters, the children would sing songs and most of the time it would help. Afterwards the children went around the playground picking up shrapnel that was still hot, and thinking how lucky they were alive.
Mural gave this account: “I remember very clearly sitting by the radio listening to Winston Churchill give his famous speech about ‘We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the streets . . . I can promise you nothing but blood, sweat and tears.’” This inspired many of the English and they had become determined to do whatever they had to.
In 1944, Derek Cuthbert volunteered at seventeen of age, for the Royal Air Force. He was originally accepted for Air Crew, but later Derek failed the eye test for pilot because he then wore glasses, but he was giving another option of going down the mines as a “Bevan Boy” transferring to the army of R.A.F. Intelligence. After basic training at Arbroath, Scotland, he was sent to the College of Oriental and African studies at London University to take a short course in Japanese.
On Aug 16th 1944, Derek and Mural had become engaged. During their courting days, Derek would often walk Mural to work in the mornings and then pick her up in the afternoons. “We made lots of plans on what our future would be and he wrote poems, brought me flowers and bars of chocolate. When he left for the air force I spent my time writing to him every day.” These two both knew that once Derek finished his Japanese course he would be sent overseas immediately. So they asked for permission to be married before he went. “My mother was doubtful saying we were too young and what if he didn’t come back? Fortunately we found an unexpected ally in Jean (Mural’s older sister) who remarked, “Oh let them go ahead, they were born under a lucky star, they’ll be alright.”” So her parents agreed and they set the date for May 12th 1945.
The War in Europe ended May 8th 1945. V.E Day and everything came to a standstill. “There was great rejoicing in the streets, shops and factories closed down. Everyone was relieved and happy and ready to celebrate, but the war in the Far East was still on, and that was where Derek was going”
The only way to get clothes at this time were by what was called “clothing coupons”, it is the same as food stamps, just for clothes. Mural had no spear coupons for a wedding dress, however lace was not on coupons, so she decided on a lace wedding dress and wore a white satin nightgown underneath.
“Mother said I would never get Dad into church, but I stayed up one night and asked’ Dad will you give me away when I get married?’ rather gruffly he replied ‘Course I will, who else would do it?” He was very proud when we walked down the aisle together.”
It was raining that morning, May 12th 1945, and continued as Mural and her Father got to the church. But she records “As Derek and I came out together after the ceremony, the sun appeared and continued to shine all afternoon. In fact it was the hottest May 12th on record.” Two days after the wedding Derek went back to his unit and soon flown out to India.
Mural went back home with her parents and older sister, but things were not the same as before. “I was planning, working, saving and making things for our future home together. I wrote to Derek every day and sometimes twice a day. What did I find to write about? I just wrote as if I were talking to him. I started numbering our letters because there would be weeks when I wouldn’t receive anything, and then three of four would arrive together. It was a record when Derek’s mail caught up with him in Hong Kong, and he received about sixty two letters over two days . . .I used to stand outside at nights looking at the moon and stars and wondering if Derek could see the same constellations, and whispering my love for him on the wind hoping he would her them.” In Aug 1945, American’s dropped the Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Derek had then became involved in guiding the Japanese planes in for their Generals to sign the surrender pact. Name the began to be drawn to see who could go home on mid-tour leave. Derek’s turn finally came in November, and with over joy-meant, Mural and Derek began to count the days to his return.
Mural gives this account on his return home; “I remember very vividly waiting for him at the Midland Station. The train he had said to meet came and went, lots of servicemen got off, but no Derek. I walked up and down the platform and up the stairs to the entrance, but no sign of him anywhere. I asked a porter when the next rain was due in from London and he said ‘Not until eight o’clock’ so I thought I’d just wit there even though it was another two hours. Something later I saw a man in F.A.F uniform run down the stairs as the far end of the platform, say something to another porter then turn and run back up. I couldn’t see his face properly in the lamplight, but I started to run after him and follow him where he was getting into a taxi. I still could not see his face, but I tapped him on the shoulder and said ‘Derek?’ Immediately he spun round, we looked at each other and fell into each others arms for a long embrace.”
These two were so happy and promised never to leave each other sides again. And they never did. Anywhere one of them had to go, the other one followed. From Africa to Scotland, these two travelled and saw the world together. On April 7th 1991, they stopped following each other, for Derek Cuthbert slipped into a coma and passed away. Mural is still alive, keeping everything in order. She is still strong, in a struggling world.
The story of Derek and Mural Cuthbert is one that many would not believe. The belief in love, true love has seemed to vanish in this world and lust and greed has taken it's place. I adore their story and the many more stories they shared together. Love is real, love is good, love hurts, love is healing. . . Their story is all of Love. "The course of true love never did run smooth"
